anyway, since this is a venting blog. i will proceed to list all the things i detest about one of my EXes.
- how terribly stingey he is. i say this in present terms because he hasnt changed. he would be very calculative with me (like 4 bucks kind of calculative even though he had no qualms paying for his friends) but never bothered to chip in for groceries even though he ate at my house 5 times a week!
- his poor poor table manners. i dont need to see how your teeth devour solid food to mush. i have teeth too, i get the gist of how they function. thanks.
- lack in culture. sorry, but peeing off an ocean cliff where two seas meet just because your douchebag friends think it's cool at 23? grow-the-fuckup please.
- ignorance. another trait i cant stand (in general). if it isnt within his comfort zone, he doesnt want to know about it. if its cuisine that is foreign, he will make a mess of it to mask his insecurity. if it's something that he has never heard of? he doesn't want to know about it. life is in his bubble and it's how it will always be.
- i always regret not cheating on him with someone better looking and with someone who probably loved me more than he did. see, i never cheated even when i could have.
- the sex got progressively worse as he grew fatter and lacked stamina. it also became mundane and i felt a little like a taxi driver's whore because i'd just wait for the 5 minutes of predictable sex to be over. i guess he didnt feel the need to try. neither did i because i knew he lacked so much stamina it wouldnt even matter how hard i'd work at it? 2 minutes? 5 minutes? max 10 minutes?
- his constant need to mock my wealth and designer threads wore me thin. i too began to lose myself.
- what bothered me the MOST? his lack of balls. not with me, but with other people. i hated how he would constantly bitch about so and so, but to their face he was so pleasant and even forked out drinks for them etc. geez! two faced, much? even to people who had a very defined grudge towards him, he was Still nice and all good. it's fine if he didnt bitch about them and he'd have a problem with me hanging out with them too!
- oh and his insecurity issues. i was Always allegedly cheating on him. yet he had no qualms about boozing up with the guy i was allegedly sleeping with till dawn as if they were BFFs for years. of course behind the guy's back he tried to put a ban on our friendship. right.
i guess what i'm trying to say is every time i speak to or see him it gives me comfort to know he's an EX. i like to reflect on these things once in a while to remind myself how far i've come along from that insecure girl he turned me into once upon a time.
i felt incomplete to be alone because i hadnt found myself or appreciated myself very much. i thought he had changed and our relationship was complete. in actual fact, i changed and lost the better half of myself just to please and keep him.
one day i woke up and asked myself, what the fuck am i doing here?! i started making a list of all the things i disliked about him. then the pro list fell pretty short. and i realised, i'd been hanging on to a romatincised idea of what i wanted in a relationship as the end goal of all of this. my eyes were so dead set on my idealism of the 'perfect' relationship that i forgot to take a look around and the raw truth. this wasnt for me and i clearly wasnt meant to be here.
so i bailed and he wailed. but wailing wouldnt change anything because though people change to a certain degree, their core values and behaviour lies deep within and remains embossed in them.