kidnap me please

WHY do people insist on tweeting (on public profiles) "I'm at xxxxx (location) does anyone want to hangout?" ALL THE TIME. erm. first of all, aren't you worried that some crazy stalker's going to kidnap your sorry ass? oh wait, i guess you're not important enough to be kidnapped. haha.

it's true. it's the ones who are so desperate for attention or friends that feel the need to constantly blab about where they are and if anyone wants to join them. well, we live in the age where mobile phones are essential. trust me. if anyone wants to see you, they'll call. no need to publically broadcast your whereabouts in hope that someone nearby will care to hangout with you.

i know this girl who's not very attractive at all. think Beth Ditto minus the celebrity factor. (shudder). anyway, she ALWAYS feels the need to not only tweet (with myloc) where she is but also what car she's driving (insert european luxury car). um.. okay, we know that your family has some money but not a dime was earned by YOU. put that aside, i know that being the size of Beth Ditto may decrease the chances of getting kidnapped unless a whale harpoon is acquired, but seriously. how stupid.

oh and she also feels the need to blab about sleeping in someone elses bed. yes, we know some sick fuck managed to stomach the guts to give you a good shag, no need to tell the web that there is someone out there who actually wants to fuck you. but i suppose congratulations is in order since i know for a fact you've been spending years hunting around on online adult matchmaker type websites and hoping to be hunted too. hope being the operative word here.

and when a guy actually dates you and leaves you after you've paid for his expenses - flights, hotel bills, food etc. don't feel upset about it. because: If you tell the whole world about how much money you (read: your family) has and you're not attractive. Be Prepared for a gold digger to leech on to you till he can't stomach your obese sexual appetite (as she so publically proclaims) anymore.

oo that felt so good to get off my chest!

once a liar always a liar

i have a friend, well she's not a friend anymore because she's taken the behaviour of a pathelogical liar to new heights. it's one thing to over embellish to elevate story value, it's another to mimic my life or travels.

no one really cares if you're po. hell, people struggle every day. but to fabricate stories just to revive your popularity by turning friends against each other? hello? schoolyard, much? sick.

getting jobs all over the world and bragging about them, then come 2 weeks before take off? oops! the deal fell through. sure. and earning an uber salary? erm, your pleather handbag may beg to differ. so might your fraying polyester tank top and your jeans from the halfway mark of being vintage. yeah, that's the mark where it's too uncool to be in trend and too new to be vintage.

so what if you have a new Gucci clutch? two words: Summer Sale. so don't try bragging all over Facebook about it because it's pretty pathetic. alongside your phantom plane tickets and luxxe items that we all know dont really exist.

oh and that pool you keep speaking of? i'm quite certain the pool exists. toys 'r us sells them, no?

too fat for coach?!

i have a 'friend' (okay, i use the term 'friend' relatively loosely as what i really mean is a person i've known for years and i'm faux friends with) who's pretty fat. like, Beth Ditto kind of fat, maybe a bit fatter. first up, i have Nothing against fat people at all. so keep reading and don't hate.

so the fat girl has no qualms in telling her internet friends/lovers about her family money. okay, we're not talking about heiress rich but relatively well-off. look, if you're not attractive and you dont want a guy to like you for your money (read: pay for his own shit and not mooch off you) don't tell them that you're driving a mercedes or whatev and that your family is paperstacked with x amount of properties! duh.

anyway, so she proceeds on telling her friends (yours truly included) about how she can Only travel Business Class or First. her parents pay for all her flights (yep, not working either and in her late twenties - really going places in life). and this whole 'Business Class/First Class' travel is justified by **drumroll** "ECONOMY CLASS SEATS ARE TOO SMALL FOR ME SO I NEED TO BE IN BUSINESS CLASS OR FIRST."

i'm sorry (well, not really sorry) but if your ass is too fucking fat for a standard aircraft seat, it's fucking evident that you need to shed off the lard from your booty!!!!

ex lard buckets

why is it when people who used to belong to the fatters-club lose weight, they feel the need to announce every meal they have or every workout session endured? i mean, yes yes yes, we're all well aware that you've dropped the kilos but we dont need to hear a rundown of how many lettuce leaves you've consumed or how many crumbs of feta you've sprinkled on your stupid salad!

AND we certainly dont need to know how many pull-ups you can do or how you're pushing yourself to run 100miles to drop 5kilos. actually, the workout bit doesnt annoy me as much as the food thing. it's so annoying to see stupid status updates on fb or tweets saying "xxxxx ate salad with no dressing and a little crumbed feta for lunch and will have a very light dinner tonight - no carbs." and when the menu differs with/without cheese or meat or a couple of tomatoes, really. yes yes, we know you're carb-free. shut up already! ooo or the girls who eat 2 grilled prawns and state "oh my god, i'm soooo full." right. makes me want to tie them up and force feed them lard. and by the way, one of these people is a GUY.

sure, he used to be a little chubby and now he's pretty fit. but really, nobody cares how many tomato seeds you've swallowed. oh and if/when you do get fat again, you're going to look back at your 'health' journal and depress yourself. annoying! oh, and no matter how ripped your body is, it doesnt change the fact that your personality is as dull as an old gym sock.

i know this may be a little cruel of me to be so rude but it's only because when he chats with me online he babbles on and on and on about what he doesnt eat. i feel like saying "yes, i'm aware you're no longer a porker, but when you shedded off your beer gut, did your personality go away too? oh wait, you never had any to begin with. bye!!" did i say that? no. it's too mean to say to a person's face, that's why i have this blog. to vent.

oh! andddddd there's this other girl. now she's Really annoying. probably worst than gym sock boy. so, back in highschool she was apparently a bit of a porker. then she went to 'normal' and now she's sticksville. fair enough, i understand she likes being skinny. who doesnt, right? but she's one of those people who not only announces at the table how she's still so "fat" (she's like as skinny as Mary-Kate) and every time she eats a bite of something she says it's sinful and she's so FAT.

and then, she proceeds to announce on fb and twitter how "fat" she is. obviously she wants people to say "oh my god, you're SO SKINNY!" erm... i know people who have eating disorders are called bulemic and anorexic, what do you call people with faux eating disorders and seek attention in doing so? is there a medical disorder for that? can someone people diagnose her and possibly lock her up for it? please??

oh and another annoying thing. she refuses to order anything at the table claiming she's eaten already. yet she picks at EVERYONE'S food. forfuckssake, just order a fucking entree sized salad and eat that! but no. the stingey bitch doesnt want to pay for Anything. yep, she's one of those leechers who never pay for anything.

phew. that was nice to get off my chest .

Can't Buy Me Love? Hmm..

image source: ShopBop

well, of course you can buy me Love! call me materialistic, but in relationships, sometimes 'love' just isn't enough.

when you can't make rent because your broke-ass boyfriend is mooching off you. where's the 'loving' feeling? sure, great sex will make you the Queen of Euphemism for a while, but realistically speaking, after a while, don't you feel like kicking his po-ass to the curb? come on!

if you're the richer one in the relationship, are you suppose to apologise for your wealth when he asks you questions like "oh, how many thousands did that bag cost?" or "sorry, i'm not rich like you." of course, you reply with "don't be silly, i don't measure our relationship like that." what you really want to say is "fuck you and your broke ass too."

but then again, sigh. when we're in love, lust or infactuation, we all become Queens of Euphemism and Optimism. Just because denial is more comforting than the realism that we're dating losers.

i think that there's nothing wrong being financially challenged, but don't make other people feel guilty for having money! the worst part is, that quite a number of guys that fall into this catagory tend to mooch/scum off their partners but at the same time have no qualms about condemning their lifestyle. so much hate here.

i remember having a conversation with a friend and she told me she had purchased a limited edition Dior saddlebag but she didn't dare to tell her bf how much she paid for it because she was certain he'd tell her off for it. so i asked her, 'did you use his credit card to pay for it?' she replied 'no, my (read: my parents) credit card.' i then couldn't help but blurt 'then how the hell is it his business to tell you off when it's not even his money?!' she shrugged and said he just does when she spends. geeez!! how annoying!

so back to the whole 'can't buy me love' theory. i beg to differ. now, i don't believe in total gold-diggersville, but i truly believe that 'love' alone is not enough to make a relationship work. to commit yourself to a person who is financially retarded is asking for hardship. and if you believe that love will fill in the gaps of financial burden, well, you're pretty naive.

far from being too cynical, i'd like to think of myself as a realist. if both partners work hard in the relationship (okay, i'd prefer my partner to earn more than me because i have double standards and i'd be happier if he bought me my next Chanel bag instead of forking it out myself), i'd feel a lot of love for the bag! See, you 'can' buy me love! Gimme!

snarkweek

i saw a status update yesterday from a snark-worthy person bitching about his/her customer not knowing fashion or her body. well. this coming from the person who believes that billowy tops hide her bumps and lumps under the 5ft frame. erm, darling. try empire. much more flattering and it wont look as if you wore your pillowcase out.

this is also the person who believes that ombre suits everything and everyone. no it doesnt. especially rainbow ombre? maybe if you look like Iman or Giselle. fine. oh and this also coming from the person who doesnt understand the wonders of good concealer and blotting papers. blot blot blot! and bragging about getting an iPod Touch? so not cool.

anyway, you shouldn't really bitch about your customers so openly. especially coming from a half baked fashion desginer wannabe that doesnt get invited to showcase his/her collection but pays a lot of money to have it showcased - with few buyers. tick tock tick tock.

what else?

i'm not one for gaudy things but i really do love KJL cocktail rings. very pretty and for a decent price too!

i am Loving Tod's D-bag reissue. saw it on bagsnob and fell in love. it's been ages since i've seen a Tod's bag i really like. the last time i went into Tod's i went into brainstrain overdrive because a pesky bitch kept trying to push bags to me. i kept telling her "i hate the stitching and i hate the way the leather crumples at the side, it's not nice." yep, same pesky bitch that tried to tell me to buy a Tod's bag instead of Chanel Classic flap because "they all look the same and you already have so many." well, i don't have it in tan! i sense frenemy sabotage. hmm.

what's with peeps wearing knee high boots in 40 degrees? it looks ridiculous.

gladiator sandals are not for everyone

i recently saw someone announce on facebook that they bought a pair of gladiator sandals. yes, yet another braggy status update.

well, as much as it kills me not to comment on it. i guess i HAVE to vent here.

first of all, if you have really short and stumpy legs. glads are NOT for you. the ankle straps will only make your legs look like stunted fat tree stumps.

second of all, you're so last season. so stop bragging.

sigh... much better!

sometimes i like to brag too

i do sometimes but only to the people who deserve it. i feel like telling them that i just scored a limited edition Chanel 2.55 and it's clearly more expensive than the stupid LV Speedy in Epi that she just bought and is dying to brag about.

but no. in public and in person i refrain from doing so. yes, i'm a hypocrite but at least i'm a pleasant one.

when she brags about the stupid 4 star hotel she stayed at for 3 nights. i really want to her that i stay in hotels so often that the staff know me personally and i keep my belongings in long term storage. and i stay in those hotels for 2 weeks to a month. so really, shut up already!!

basically, i really feel like screaming I AM SORRY BUT I THINK I'M RICHER THAN YOU SO PLEASE STOP BRAGGING BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BRING OUT THE WORST BRAGGER IN ME!!

but in my stupid world, appearances count and i clearly cant say shit like that. so i say it here because i can.

oh and she claims to be so well travelled and cultured. i cant understand that if she is, she'd know that 'real' spaghetti alio olio is NOT made with oyster mushrooms. and she has the gall to tell me that she thinks that's one of the 'best and authentic' alio olio in town. erm, loser. your palate is so uncultured you cant even tell when alio olio has been thrown against the brick wall of fusion food. moron. oh and the garlic was overcooked to the point is was really very brown. uncultured twat.

i remember an ex boyfriend bragging about smoking Romeo y Julieta cigars at the age of 21. wow. congratulations. please. i've been smelling second hand cigar smoke from the age of 3 from much better quality cigars which is why i think i'm so going to die from secondhand smoke. gross. he proceeds to send me a video of the apartment he purchased overseas. how do i tell him that his room is the same size as my maid's room? i cant, right? actually i feel like telling him, yes i know you've become 'rich' yourself through your own hard work. congratualtions. stop bragging because i'm still not impressed!! just be normal!!!

all this venting feels so good.

straight to the snark

if people could read my thoughts i'd probably be assasinated by now. i'm that snarky.

when i see fat people on facebook post of heaps of pics of themselves eating or food they're about to devour, i think geez, no wonder you're fat. of course i refrain from filling in the tempting comment box because it's clearly not PC to do so.

but nothing irritates me more than people bragging. in fact, people bragging on facebook, twitter, msn or any form of media is the reason why i decided to start this blog.

i'm a hypocrite enough to know that if i were to take a dig at every single person, i'd be axed off so quickly that i'll never be able to grace this world with my witty snarks. ever. yes, i'm being sarcastic.

anyway, where shall i begin?

oo, my favourite topic: new not-really rich people bragging.

firstly, if you're planning on buying a designer bag - it's your fucking money so buy whatever you want to buy. no one really cares how indecisive you are and how many stupid bags you're looking at.

yes, we all know you're dying to get something with spray vomit monogram so that everyone knows you can afford the brand. congratulations.

it irritates me to see idiotic people on facebook, twitter, msn or what-ev brag about their new purchases etc. congratulations, you bought a Marc by Marc Jacobs or MJ bag. And? fyi: it was one of those terrible MMJ /MJ bags with some misplaced pocket, a Major silver plate that TELLS you it's -scream out loud- MARC JACOBS or some stupid belt across the bag that looks as if it belongs on the waist of someone in the Army Reserve.

to make matters worst, the person sends me a picture of the bag and asks for my opinion. sigh. so i said (in the most PC way possible) that i wouldnt buy it -insert PC reason- and the person then tells me why the bag is nice. geez. it's your money, buy whatever you want. but money cant buy taste and the bag is fucking distasteful because that metal plate screaming MARC JACOBS annoys me. in all honesty, MJ isn't exactly top notch designer. sorry, but that bag doesn't come with bragging rights.

now, if it was an ostrich skin Birkin or something of that calibur, perhaps diamond encrusted hardware? Fair enough.

and then there's the friend that tells you how BUSY her life is with work etc, even when you don't ask. first of all, I DIDN'T ASK I DIDN'T MESSAGE I DON'T CARE!! so stop telling me! she then proceeds to tell you that she bought 10 pairs of shoes for usd 500. erm, congratulations? what i really feel like saying is: oh? i have a pair of shoes that cost around usd 500. but if i said that, then i'd be a total braggy snobtart right? so i smile politely and say "wow that's cheap for 10 pairs." yes, not much better but at least i ducked under the bragging radar.

she then proceeds to brag about a Cartier watch she bought. erm, please. you're 23 and your dad bought it for you. i got mine when i was 16 and i've never spoken of it till now. so please shut up already!

and it carries on. she feels the need to brag about her holidays to a table of people who are poorer than her just because it makes her feel better about herself. as she flaunts her 500 dollar eternity ring she tells me i should get one too and i should invest in diamonds. how do i tell her that part of my 17th birthday present, i received a tennis bracelet and a princess cut 0.75 carat eternity ring but i choose not to wear it out because i dont want to draw unneccesary attention to myself at the corner coffeeshop? how do i say it without sounding like a bragger myself? so i smile politely and say, sure we'll go soon. 'soon' has yet to arrive. oh and how do i tell her to put some of her new-money to good use and buy some perfume? she smells funny. a little sour like almost rancid milk. not putrid but you know as the day progresses, the smell is so heading in that direction.

and there's the girl that announces on facebook that she just bought a usd 250 dollar bag. when i saw her she was proudly flaunting her bag. i told her it's nice and i have it in brown. i casually left out the part about the reason why i bought the bag in the first place was for a camping trip because i didnt want to ruin my 'real' designer bags.

see what i mean by if people could read my thoughts i'd be assasinated?